Recently I’ve been focused on the idea of presence.
Being present to where you are.
To the context you find yourself in. To the responsibilities that are yours today instead of the possibilities of what could be yours tomorrow.
It’s traditionally been hard for me to think like this for any length of time. Maintaining a focus on my present circumstances has never come naturally to me. I’ve always peered towards the horizon and thought of what is to come next, but I’m starting to realize that isn’t the noble posture I had assumed it to be.
Surely there is an ideal balance to strike between living without any regard for the future and living solely with your eyes oriented towards what’s next. I’ve realized wherever that balance lies, I’ve been oriented too far towards the side of the future.
A couple of months ago, I decided to run an experiment. For two weeks, I decided to try to be more focused on the responsibilities, relationships, and obligations I have today, versus those I may have in the future. I thought this would be stressful. I thought that as I pulled in my time horizon, I would become riddled with anxiety as I worried about making enough progress or missing out on opportunities.
Instead, what I found was wonderful lightness. My days took on an airy quality as I experienced a freedom from burdens I didn’t even realize I was carrying. I felt like I had the capacity to attend to my current responsibilities, now that I wasn’t worried about everything I could or should have been doing instead. I also found that I had buffer.
Whereas before, it felt like I had to white knuckle my way through life just to keep all the plates spinning, I now felt like I had breathing room. I had the space to relax or do things just for the sake of them and not because they were a means to an end. I also found that this buffer meant that when I did encounter obstacles or challenges I had the capacity to deal with them without it feeling like everything was ruined or under threat.
After two weeks, I realized there was no way I was letting this experiment end. I couldn’t imagine going back to the anxiety and stress of constantly striving towards this image of where I felt like I should be going instead of simply trying to do my best with where I was. The irony was that I actually felt like I was showing up better now in all the arenas I cared most about, than I did when I was trying to optimize/maximize my way there through sheer force of will.
I still have good and bad days. I still find myself stressed and frustrated, but I am stressed by real situations that are actually occurring, not imagined ones that could occur one day.
In some ways, being more present feels like the easiest thing in the world. In other ways, it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Either way, it feels worthwhile.
I’m still navigating how to approach tertiary areas like writing that I enjoy and care about in this newfound posture of being more present to my primary responsibilities. I’m not sure what the long-term answer is, only that the question has become: “How can I fit writing and building into my new focus on being present?” as it’s become clear to me that, having tasted the benefits of orienting myself more towards the present, I don’t ever want to go back to treating it like an afterthought.